IMG_0096Im tired…sick and tired. I’m exhausted from all the confusion and the chaos that seems to swirl around me everyday. I’m tired of seeing the weary expressions making residence on my friend’s faces. I’m tired of hearing the pain on the other end of the phone with no words able to give relief. Yeah, I guess I’m just tired.

I saw it today, this very day; the injustice in the world reared its ugly little head at me reminding me that there is a very real battle going on. I think I just ignore it sometimes and think that there is nothing to worry about but really I should be very concerned. I should be terrified at what we allow and even accept. I should be appalled every single second of every day when I hear what we’ve done to each other. After the bombs have been dropped and the dust settles on terrified and defeated souls I should weep. I should tremble with a burning anger against the lies & the sin & the hate that perpetuates within the church that claims to bridge the gap of these cycles. Brother against brother, sister against sister, we fight wars against each other that were never meant to be fought, victories that should be renamed failure.

What about the little kid that just saw his mother get beaten into a heap of worthless shame? Who’s fighting for that little heart? What about the old man laying in the hospital bed desperately fighting for breathe thinking about the last 60 years of complacent tolerance? Who’s his advocate? What about the despair of the homeless woman who can’t feed her kids today? What hope does she have to cling to? What about the deceitful words of him telling her he’ll never do it again, that he can change this time and her somehow finding ways to be responsible for the shame? Who brings truth to that situation?

I don’t have answers to any of it. The heaviness sits on my chest like a ton of bricks tonight threatening to crush my perfectly structured denial. I sure don’t claim to be able to be all things for all people at all time but my heart begs the questions: isn’t there more than this? I want to live in a world that doesn’t feel the need to sacrifice others on the alter of self-preservation. I want to see a world where there aren’t ulterior motives behind every act of kindness. I want to be apart of a collective humanity that seeks the genuine well being of the person not only next door but around the world. The truth may sound cynical but I know it isn’t possible for all of this to be resolved. I know the trauma will continue to manifest in headlines and nip at our heels every morning and leak into our dreams at night. But you know what…in God I trust.

As cliché as it may sound, that’s really the only reason I can come up with to go on in a world that produces so much pain. It’s the only shot I have at explaining why the tragedies are worth it. Its the only chance of sanity I can hold onto when so many things don’t make sense and stir every emotion in me resembling revenge. It’s that simple…I believe in a God of grace. A God of sovereignty. A God of love. That’s all I know when I’m so very tired of not being able to change a single thing. It makes me wonder if maybe God is tired too…