1 Truth: You cant be all the things to all the people at all times. This was a major theme this year, right up until the ball dropped and the last breath of the year closed the chapter called 2014. It cropped up in all the places I tried to deny my tendency to throw my heart and my soul into things that were never meant for me to hold onto or steward. I had to let go of people, friendships, relationships and failed expectations. I had to admit to myself that I’m not invincible and I’m good at convincing myself that it’s my vocation to carry the whole world upon my shoulders in the name of being enough. What I failed to realize is that I am enough whether I look cute or remember to call or comment or like the post or show up to the party with my smiley face or I call the members of my tribe sobbing through the current heart ache or simply have to sit in the consuming silence for awhile. All of it adds to the texture and fibers of this life I’m living. Participating in this adventure isn’t about making myself nothing to make others more; it’s about being fully me in all my wildly daring ways and inviting others to do the same.
2 Truth: You spend your whole life getting over your childhood.I had to dig really deep into a past id rather have liked to forget this year, and in doing so I realized that we (myself especially) are all a bunch of little kids inside longing to fulfill long lost dreams and heal disappointments. When I look around at the faces that have been characters in my story this year I realize that there is a whole lot of pain in the world. Some of those souls were the victims of great tragedies and some made choices that reaped the pain of consequence extending into adulthood. Either way there are chronically afflicted walking wounded all around me that carry things in their packs hoping somehow they will find freedom but not quite knowing how. They find solace in devastating things because it’s all they know and its comfortable. Some desire to change and others don’t even realize the darkness they’ve set up home in. Either way I’ve realized that a whole lot more grace is required of me to leave room for growth; in both myself and the spectrum of people around me from stranger to kindred. I need to let go of my judgments and my shame that I’ve heaped on little me and little them to allow for the loving hands of Jesus to comfort the devastation left from broken promises to all these little hearts. I need to allow for growth to be the goal, not perfection.
3 Truth: The journey is the point.As a wise friend of mine said this year “You don’t get a grade for living.” It struck a chord with me because so much of my life has been defined and measured in the striving. I’ve exhausted myself trying to do all the things I thought I was supposed to instead of taking hold of the beautiful agony of the ups and downs of existence. I focused so much on my “no room for error” based checklist for success and missed the details waiting to be enjoyed right in front of me. Life is a series of choices, which lead you along paths that aren’t meant to conquer all the things that rear their heads at you but rather to savor the simple sometimes-dysfunctional process of forward motion. There is room for backsliding, there is room for the questions and the doubt and the fear but even more than that there is room to explore and seek adventure with unadulterated joy for the sheer pleasure of it all. That’s a journey I want to partake in and this year taught me I don’t have to apologize for that anymore…I simply get to live it.
1 Lie: 2015 will be the best year yet.Hear me out cringing optimists, I don’t mean to say that 2015 wont have its triumphs or even that the tragedies will be in greater abundance than last year. I just think that the better approach to such a pressured statement is to reassign our expectations to the truths learned in the days of 2014…that being said the following can be said to this lie:
2015 will be a year of not being all the things to all the people but rather being the most honest version of myself to the valuable people God’s given me to whatever degree I can in my humanness to still maintain who I am.
2015 will be a year to let the inner child in me grow and learn and let go of the disappointment of the past and help others be brave enough to find the freedom to do the same.
2015 will be a journey; there is not another truer statement I can make than that.
So on I go, journeying through the next 365 days of 2015, abiding in the steadfast love of Jesus and knowing who I am will always be enough no matter what this year does or does not bring.
Most Impactful Blog Posts of 2014
(You’d be crazy not to read any of these fine women’s work)
“Take up Some Space” by Sarah Schwartz http://www.sarahchristineschwartz.com/blog/space/
“Stop Sleeping with Liars” by Hannah Brencher http://hannahbrencher.com/2014/10/20/stop-sleeping-with-liars/
“They Gave Me a Box” by Kate Wallace http://juniaproject.com/they-gave-me-box/
“life with a name often misspelled” by Kearci Moir http://kearci.wordpress.com/2014/08/29/life-with-a-name-often-misspelled/